


Erectile Dysfunction

by Aurorealis



Series: Hobbit prompt fills [10]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Community: hobbit_kink, Embarrassment, Erections, Gen, Inappropriate Erections, M/M, Naked Dwarves, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-20 09:33:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1505480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurorealis/pseuds/Aurorealis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>fill for prompt on hobbit kink: </p><p>"Dwarves have difficulty reproducing because they have difficulty getting erections.<br/>Bilbo gets an erection in camp and everyone is in awe."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erectile Dysfunction

**Author's Note:**

> brb dying of embarrassment that is probably stronger than Bilbo's in this fill. I apologize if it sounds a little.. off. I don't write anything remotely close to porn, so those mental descriptions of Bilbo's were a bit, er, interesting to write. I feel like there should be a sequel where one or more of our dwarves decides they'd like a better demonstration of Bilbo's ability (to which Bilbo is surprised but pleased) but I think I would die if I wrote that. I'd probably read it, though. 
> 
> A bit of a disclaimer- I'm at least somewhere on a scale between hetero and asexual so Bilbo's mental images might seem a little stiff, I'm not sure. I tried, though.

It was a rare day, being both warm and sunny. So rare in fact that they had actually made MORE progress than expected, which in turn meant that they could stop before the sun went down, and at a nice grassy spot near a riverbank. 

Needless to say, it took no prompting for half the company to shed their clothes the moment that a rough camp was set up and go running to the river, hollering up a storm. Bilbo was amused to note that the loudest group contained not only the expected Bofur, Fili, Kili, and Ori, but also Bifur, Gloin, and Bombur. They were followed shortly by the more sedate dwarves, although they were not much behind and were just as naked. 

Even the more responsible of the dwarves, Balin, Dwalin, Thorin, Dori, and Oin were soon shedding their clothes. Nori was halfway out of his when he gave Bilbo a look, head cocked to one side. “You volunteering to watch the things, then?”

Bilbo shrugged. He wasn't nearly as concerned with propriety as he had been at the beginning of the quest. Goodness knows, if this had happened weeks earlier Bilbo probably would have thrown a fit for not waiting until they were at the river to remove their clothes. But as it was, Bilbo was still somewhat self conscious and would probably feel somewhat uncomfortable if he were to join them. So Bilbo bobbed his head in confirmation. 

“Yer loss, then. I'm sure we'll beat the rest of that propriety out of ya someday.” And Nori was gone too. Bilbo made himself comfortable among the packs, gathering some stones to border the campfire when he became bored.

It was some time later when Dori returned with Ori in tow. It couldn't have been too long, since the sun had not moved much, but long enough to seem reasonable. Bilbo greeted them with a wave, which was easily returned. “The rest are still out there, if you want to join. I'm just back because I'm clean now and don't like the water that much.” 

Ori shivered and added, “It was nice but only for a short time. It's pretty cold, after all.” 

“Oh, I couldn't possibly,” Bilbo responded, pulling out a raggedy blanket from one of the nearby packs and offering it. 

“No thanks lad, that'll just make us dirty all over again. We'll lie down a bit and dry in the sun.” Dori refused, earning a pout but no argument from Ori, who looked chilled past the point of caring how dirty he would get. 

“Ah, what do you mean, you couldn't? No one's going to make fun of you.” Dori admonished. 

Bilbo couldn't help but sigh. “Maybe not out loud. I have lived a life of comfort, you know. My body must look as soft as a pillow next to you all.” He glanced over at Dori's well defined arms and abdomen. They looked like they were hewn from stone. Bilbo then quickly averted them.

“Oh, and what do you think Bombur looks like? Just go down there- I refuse to allow body issues in this group.”

“I don't hav-”

“don't you deny it, Bilbo. Ori was the exact same not long ago- he's less athletic than most dwarves, you know.”

“Hey!” Ori complained at the mention of his name. “But that's true, though. I don't look nearly as nice as most of the others, but it doesn't bother me.” 

Bilbo gave Ori a considering glance. It was true- Ori's form was almost hobbit like. It wasn't particularly fat, just soft and with extra cushion around the hips and stomach. He did have strong looking muscles, but they weren't nearly as defined or beefy as his oldest brother. He was lying on his back, but Bilbo imagined his bottom would be soft and plump and- he stopped that thought. Best not be getting into THAT frame of mind. 

“It's going to be more work to refuse than to just go along, isn't it?” Bilbo spoke in the most deadpan tone he could manage. He hadn't even really wanted to go in the first place. Plus there was the fact that he was also attracted to males- apparently to dwarven males too, as he had unfortunately discovered- and it would really feel like peeping if he went down there without them knowing that.

And he was not about to tell them about that. Bilbo would die of embarrassment first. 

“yep!” Ori chimed just as Dori answered with a firm voice, “It certainly will be.” Bilbo sighed and stood up, dusting off the back of his trousers. Carefully he folded his jacket and peeled his shirt off, placing both on his pack. He untied his cravat and unbuttoned his trousers. Everything he piled up so that it did not touch the ground. 

“Fine, you win.” He stated, trying to sound annoyed but probably coming off more as flustered as he realized both dwarves were staring. Ori blinked and silently gave a thumbs up before lying back down again, while Dori nodded in approval.

“See, there you go, that wasn't hard. Different body types are nothing to be ashamed of, you know.” When he realized Bilbo hadn't moved yet, he added, “Go on, then,” making a shooing motion with one hand. Bilbo huffed and stomped off towards the river, as much as a hobbit could ever stomp. Which was to say that Dori probably didn't even hear it, but Bilbo hoped his body language portrayed his irritation. Not that he wanted people staring at his body. 

The river was a very short walk away, and finding the company was even shorter, from the chatting and the splashing. Surprisingly, most of them really were still in the water despite the lapse in time, though Balin and Nori were both seated on large rocks lining the shore, dangling feet into the calm water. Fili and Kili were doing back strokes, though the water was shallow enough for even Bilbo to stand, as Bilbo could judge by Dwalin who stood in the middle with water only halfway up his chest. It would be significantly higher on Bilbo, but he would manage.

A few heads turned when Bilbo came into view, followed by a few raised brows. “Change of mind?” Nori called. 

“No, Dori made me. He's convinced I have body issues.” Bilbo wrinkled his nose, showing just how ridiculous he found it. Nori laughed aloud, and was joined by Bombur who had turned to listen. 

“That sounds like Dori, alright. I don't blame him, that's what I thought, too. I just wasn't going to bother ya.” Bilbo gave Nori a disapproving frown.

“Don't feel bad about it, Mr. Baggins. Dori had a similar talk with me.” Bombur comforted. “What with the teasing I got at the beginning of the quest. But I sorted him out fine- I wouldn't be here if I minded such things. He just looks out for people.”

“Yes, it's a dreadful symptom of a disease. I call it mother heningitus. By the end of this journey he'll be tucking you all in at night.” 

Several more dwarves laughed at this, revealing their eavesdropping. Even Bilbo couldn't help a chuckle as he trotted nearer. 

“Oh, it's no laughing matter!” Nori shouted in mock indignant tone, a broad smile on his face. “Don't say I didn't warn you all.” The following laughter allows Bilbo a good distraction to slip into the water. It was incredibly cold, but somehow with the sun warming his face that didn't matter so much. 

“Still though Bilbo, didn't think I'd see you down here. Which is a shame, you're a strapping lad.” Bofur interrupted the merriment, giving Bilbo a wink. He couldn't help a slight blush. Bofur was neither soft nor chiseled, but lean in the best way. His bottom was bony instead of soft and plush, but his toned stomach and shapely legs made up for it. Plus there was that charming line of chest hair, neither sparse nor thick- just there. 

Bilbo was glad that the water was cold. He was no faunt just past puberty, sporting an erection at the slightest sight of something appealing. But at the same time, it had been a while since Bilbo had that sort of experience, and he was surrounded by many very naked and very attractive dwarves. Belatedly, he thought to answer the statement. “Surely not,” Bilbo chided. “I'm a middle aged hobbit who hasn't worked hard a day in his life.”

“Aye, maybe that was before we got a hold of ya” Dwalin spoke next, his eyes openly raking up and down Bilbo's form. Bilbo flushed and stepped further into the water so that it completely covered his bottom half. “But ye can't say ye haven't worked anymore. What would you call our journey? Not to mention the trolls and goblin cave and orcs.” Bilbo went a bit deeper as he looked Dwalin over in turn. His form was more similar to Dori, but still unique in its own right. He wasn't quite as beefy as Dori was in the arms- no doubt no one was- but he was more muscled over all. Probably because Dwalin was a warrior by profession and not by necessity.

Bilbo shook off the thought of being held up by those arms that could crush rib cages, seated on those legs that sang with energy, squeezing at the the tightly woven muscles on his ass. Those were rude thoughts, incredibly rude. Bilbo should be ashamed of himself, he was practically a voyeur!

“Awe, don't hide yourself away, Bilbo- it might not be much yet but you are showing some differences since we started.” Kili joked, wading over to clap Bilbo on the shoulder. Bilbo avidly tried not to make eye contact, but failed. Kili had a devilishly gorgeous balance of soft flesh and hard muscle, despite being just as active as his brother who was all bone and muscle. Not that Fili didn't have an envious form either. Bilbo knew they were adults in every sense, as well as older than him but he still felt a bit lecherous when he admired them- unlike the other dwarves (even Ori), Fili and Kili had no visible chest hair at all. Bilbo couldn't help the connection to youth. 

Still, Bilbo had to forcible shut away thoughts of both of them paying him attention at once, as they did everything in pairs. Oh, how he might run his hands over Fili's chest while wiggling into Kili's softer lap. Fili would fix Bilbo with a sultry stare before descending on his neck. Kili would reach up from behind and ever so gently run a tongue up his sensitive ear, sucking lightly at the pointed tip..

No! Nope, no, bad thoughts! Bilbo fought his reddened skin, but there was no fighting one truth. He was definitely, ahem, on guard. Thank Eru the water was clouded enough to cover things. Bilbo sighed. Really, now. This was clearly a sign that it had been far too long. Bilbo knew he should have at least tried to take things into his own hands over the journey. There wasn't much privacy for that sort of activity, but he could have made the privacy. 

Luckily, no one could see. All Bilbo needed to do was wait it out and his reputation would be safe. Bilbo was not about to be known as the perverted one in the group- for not once had anyone yet been caught in any kind of sexual position. That was something that Bilbo had even mentally prepared for- surely someone would be caught in the middle of something compromising- even if their society didn't accept males together (which Bilbo doubted, what with their 30% female statistic) someone might at least be caught masturbating! But no, no one had. 

So when Kili jolted him out of his thoughts with a pull to shallower waters, Bilbo understandably flailed and bent down so that he stayed covered. “Bilbo, what're you doing?” He frowned. “I said, you look red, you might be getting a sunburn. I know hobbit skin burns easier than ours.” 

“We don't burn that fast!” Bilbo griped, pushing back into the water. Kili reached for his arm again, but Bilbo managed to dodge the grab. 

“Maybe, but when's the last time you went swimming outdoors? Oin told me water reflects the sun and makes people burn faster.” 

“Yes, but even so it will not happen in the few minutes I've been out.” Bilbo backed up until he bumped into another form. Turning around, he realized it was Thorin. Now THERE was a body. Bilbo tried not to memorize the feel of his back against that amazing chest, a work of beauty in Bilbo's opinion. And the water that dripped from his hair, running down his body in rivulets- Bilbo froze as he realized his mouth had opened slightly in appreciation. He snapped it close and gave Thorin his space, cheeks blazing. 

Thorin probably had loads of stamina with a body like that, so even with such a height difference, he could probably just lift Bilbo up, those big hands clenched around HIS bottom, Bilbo's face buried between a beard that was short yet thick, and that long lustrous hair, leaving light bruises up that strong neckline. 

And if there were any chance Bilbo did not have the hardest erection that ever was, it was gone now. He cursed his writer's mind that invented these things and wouldn't stop for anything. Now Thorin too was giving him a strange look. “Kili's right, you should see Oin just in case. If you aren't burning, you might be fevered.”

Bilbo shrunk away. “I am neither of those things! Now leave me be.” 

“Burglar,” Thorin heaved a loud sigh. “I do not mean to disrespect your race, or somehow imply that you are weak. It is a simple truth that Dwarves are a hardier and stronger race than hobbits. I don't wish to see you ill or in pain because of our negligence.”

“I promise I am not sick!” Bilbo protested. But then Oin was moving over, having heard the commotion and giving Bilbo a determined look. “Are any of you even listening to me?” 

They clearly heard him, merely choosing to ignore his protests. As Oin easily seized his thin bicep and began to pull. Oin was no pushover either, causing Bilbo to shrink into the water. “Just give me a few more minutes, alright?” He tried to bargain.

But of course, Oin didn't listen. It was entirely possible he didn't even hear, as his horn had been left at the camp, and Bilbo's voice was practically squeaking at this point. “Up ya go, lad”, Oin muttered, and with a single heave Bilbo was dragged out of the water. With dismay, Bilbo immediately noted that he had not been wrong. A full hard on, about as subtle as an elf standing between two dwarves. And on full display, as Oin had unfortunately pulled him in a way that made his front turn towards the group. 

And they noticed it. Bilbo let out an eep and turned around as a hush settled around the group, broken only by the gentle sound of lapping water. Not another sound was made, until Oin looked at Bilbo in confusion only to startle as he noted what had caught everyone's attention. Bilbo was sure he could rival a tomato as the company all gave him bewildered, shocked looks. 

Somehow, it was Fili who broke it. “Is that..” He breathed with something strange in his tone of voice, as he began to wade over. Immediately, Kili followed with a look of awe on his face. Bilbo gaped as the expression took over some of the others as well. Immediately, he finished the last few steps to dry land and sat down promptly, legs pulled up to cover his problem. 

“What the-what in the world was that?” Bofur gave him an impossibly wide eyed look. Bilbo resisted the urge to bury his face. If only the floor would just eat him already. 

“You know very well what that was- now leave me alone so I can die of embarrassment!” Bilbo resolutely turned his head to the side. 

“I- of course I do! I mean- how?” Bilbo couldn't believe he was being made to spell it out. Were they that cruel? Was the mocking about to begin in earnest? 

Then it was Dwalin who spoke. “You didn't even touch yerself- I'd have noticed.”

“I would do no such thing in public!” Bilbo shouted, affronted. “I am not completely depraved!” 

“Still, you must have done something.” Thorin's voice echoed from a position much closer than Bilbo was expecting. He looked up to see the entire company gathered close to him, faces inexplicably filled with wonder and curiosity.

Faced with the scrutiny, Bilbo confessed. “I did nothing, physically. I, I can not help it, you are all, very, well- and with the water and the skin, and- my mind wanders, alright!?” Now he did bury his face in his hands. He could not deal with this level of sheer embarrassment. “Let me die in peace!” 

The group immediately started shuffling. “Die!? What are you talking about!?” 

“Again with being embarrassed... this is an achievement, Bilbo!” Nori shouted joyously. “You mean to say you can become hard with nothing but thought? Amazing!” 

Bilbo cracked his eyes open to see the others nodding in agreement. Somehow, they didn't look mocking at all. And yet, there was something worrying about this situation. “Just with thoughts? Truly?” Balin twirled his beard. “You have a gift, lad.”

“Can we see it, please?” Kili pleaded, giving Bilbo an innocent look that did not at all match his request. In response, Bilbo pulled his legs tighter, even if it was uncomfortable given his predicament. 

Then Dwalin swatted Bilbo's knees. “What do ye think yer doin? You'll crush it! What if something permanent happens?”

“Oh for- it's an erection, not a miracle. It will be just fine as it is.” Bilbo huffed, irritation finally gaining a hold on mortification. He sensed that there was some sort of cultural difference he was missing here. 

“Dwalin's right, best not take chances.” Oin agreed, and with a sharp tug he pulled Bilbo's knees back down against the grass. The dwarves around him all leaned in with avid interest. And there, that's where the mortification went. Bilbo hurriedly covered it with his hands, certain his voice had reached new octaves when he exclaimed, “stop looking at it!”

Bilbo was certain he heard Fili and Kili and Bofur groan in disappointment. “Oh, come on. Maybe the secret is in the shape, somehow.” Bofur complained.

“The.. secret?”

Finally, Thorin managed to catch onto the lack of understanding. “I assume by your reaction that things must be different for hobbits. For dwarves however, producing an erection is... difficult.” At Bilbo's surprised look, he continued. “The population of women figure that we throw out is unfortunately false. It is spread for two big reasons- one is to protect our woman, for if people do not expect to find them, they can more easily be disguised. The second is that it hides the real reason dwarves have trouble keeping a healthy population. I'm afraid that if we really did have so few women, our race would be long extinct.”

“Is it truly that bad?” Bilbo asked, both shocked and sympathetic. Thorin nodded hesitantly.

“Mind that this is a deep dwarven secret and you are not to tell anybody. But yes. Sex is a long affair and it is only with an ample amount of luck, skill, and work on both parts that a male can achieve an orgasm. Often, it will take hours, and the couple must rest the next day. The fact that you can be so close with only the use of sight- not even purposefully suggestive sights- is frankly impossibly to imagine.”

Bilbo gave Thorin a considering look. “I.. did not expect that. I am sorry if I was offending anyone, it is certainly not so difficult for hobbits. You see, my mind was providing what my other senses were lacking, though I certainly did not mean to! I was always told I had too much imagination, after all. It's a very embarrassing thing to be caught like this, you know.”

“Wait.” Thorin cut him off. “You mean.. it was unintentional?” 

Bilbo slowly ducked his head, confirming the question. “I should hope you don't think I would rile myself up like this on purpose. Goodness knows I didn't want my preferences being let out like this!”

He chuckled awkwardly, then stopped. Were those... sparkles in everyone's eyes? Even Gloin and Oin and Balin! And Thorin- of all people he should be the last with such a wondrous expression. Bilbo made the mistake of crossing his arms over his chest. He didn't see Kili inching his finger nearer, prepared to poke until it was too late.

He was save by Dwalin who lightly kicked Kili away, at the same time Bilbo shouted, “hey, don't touch!” Of course, light for Dwalin meant that Kili face planted into the ground.

“Kili, behave yourself!”, Thorin barked, “I don't care how skilled our burglar is, you must always have consent before doing such things.” 

“I was only going to touch it.” he whined, only to shrivel at Thorin's glare, throwing a pitiful apology to Bilbo. In turn Bilbo smiled gratefully at Thorin. 

“Still though,” Nori mused. “If you didn't make it on purpose, does it still work?” 

Finally, Bilbo snapped and shot up, not caring if his erection still stood- though thankfully it had flagged somewhat with all the talking. “Does it look broken!?” He huffed. Immediately, he wished he hadn't, as every dwarf now zeroed in on it yet again. 

“Well,” Balin answered as if it had been a real question. “It is smaller, now.” 

“Of course it is, my mind stopped running such thoughts when you all decided to make a spectacle of things. I could easily bring it back if I so wished, thank you very much!” 

“Will you, then?” Nori prompted.

“Will I what?” 

“Bring your erection back. Let's see just how quickly hobbits can work!” Red blazed across Bilbo's face once again as some of the dwarves murmured in agreement, while others looked considering.

“I never! How rude!” Bilbo sputtered. Finally, he turned on his heel and marched back up to camp. He ignored Ori and Dori who gave him questioning looks, and quickly wiped most of the water off with that blanket from earlier. By the time the other dwarves came scrambling up after him, he was already pulling his trousers on. Fili and Kili were first up the hill, and they pouted at the sight. Bilbo resolutely turned away. 

He didn't speak until suppertime, where miraculously there was no hint of conversation about the river spectacle. Still, many were giving him looks. That would not be the last of things, somehow Bilbo was sure of it.


End file.
